It feels like I have way too much pent-up energy these days. Emotions are bottled away, and I’ve gotta uncork them.
This blog in particular exists in a weird place in my mind. Everything I’ve written so far has been really formal, keeping with a particular persona. In a way, I hate this, because the high standards I’ve set for myself sometimes actually deter me from writing. These standards are obstacles, because it feels like I can only express myself under the most rigid of conditions. That sucks!
I was really disappointed earlier today, because I realized that I’m out of the practice of writing. Emotional transparency is my goal; writing helps me see what’s important to me. It’s dredging. It’s weird to think that this process, which has been so important to me in the past, is now reserved for a few formalized occasions, each with their own set of pretensions—writing essays (about things I usually don’t care about), new blog posts (which I probably care too much about), and journalling (which falls into the same patterns I’ve developed over the course of, say, ten years). My voice finds outlet only in these things, and the rest of the time it’s just trapped in my head. As a result I’ve been bottled up; it’s hard for me to say what I really mean, and it’s hard to do what I really want to do.
So in the future expect more updates, with a less formal tone, as I do some uncorking.