may i

Everything is falling out. Pages in my sketchbook. No more lines or boundaries. But that doesn’t bother me. Eventually I will learn.

The month is May. If I ever want to see how many days my streak has lasted, I’ll just remember “n + 1.” Here, “n” is the date. But this motto, this notation, is useful in other ways. No matter where you’re at, no matter the quantity you’ve amassed, you must move on to the next number in the sequence. REached one hundred? Great. Next comes 101. One billion? You’re not done counting yet; keep going.

How do you find God?

Right now I keep telling myself to bring everything back home. Why such a strong dislike of facebook? Of compulsive thinking? You’re channelling all your energy into something far away, very much removed from your daily life. The best statuses won’t help you in any way, shape or form to improve your present situation and move you forward. They will only augment your facebook reality. None of the energy is being channeled into the real world, the realm of consequence. Instead, you build castles in the sky.

Keep the important things close inside; if you let them out they’ll fly away in the form of intentions and empty promises. Don’t say it, live it. “Don’t talk about it, be about it!” Don’t give them a life of their own by verbalizing them; make them YOUR life.

If I divert all of my energy, emotions, and thoughts into the virtual world, then that’s where I’ll stay. Give it all outlet in the present.

Intent is truly a killer. There’s no faster way to orphan something than by intending to do it. That’s what happened to me at the physical therapist’s office. I intended to do it, make myself a career path that I could be proud telling others about, and that’s exactly what happened. I thought about it happening so much, told people my intentions, facebooked it, bam, done. Check that one off the list. And now, never again.

That’s fine in some ways because I’ll admit I didn’t like it so much. Very stifling atmosphere. Hot and cloistered, full of an artificial cordiality. Lame!! How are you supposed to learn anything there? Giving old people tiny exercises. Catching glimpses of geezers’ balls. Boredom. Even had I continued going, would it have been worth it, to learn how to subtly express myself in spite of a timid atmosphere? I feel like I want something more. (Although to be honest it doesn’t sound so bad putting it that way.)

Intent is worthless. You will uncover the true course of action as it unfolds, and only by acting. Not by pledging allegiance to an imaginary ideal. Live not in imaginary worlds; bring it back home.

Highlining taught me so much, and once again, it taught me by the mechanism of progressive action. Want to walk on this highline? Then walk. Don’t get caught up in how much you WANT to walk it, how much you intend to; just take a step. Then take another step. Then try to take one more. As soon as you commit to starting on the line, you’ll find that it’s no different than being committed later on. In the middle or at the end. Take another step. Add one. Soon you begin to realize that these steps on the line aren’t so different from the steps you took during preparation, tying on your leash and harness. They’re not so different from the steps you took to hike up to the highline location. The time on the line passes the same way as the time you spent rigging. There is no change in mindset from when you’re getting ready to when you’re going. You don’t get more serious—there’s no difference between “Now I’m GOING to do it” and “Now I’m DOING it.” In reality, you were always doing it; you’ve been walking that path to put you on that line for a year now. Bring it back home. This is just another step. You were always doing it.

You are always doing it. Committed, gazing intently at the horizon; striving for balance, taking one more step. Here I am. n + 1.

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1 Response to may i

  1. acm88 says:

    “If I divert all of my energy, emotions, and thoughts into the virtual world, then that’s where I’ll stay.

    Wise words.

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